I Am Officially Throwing A Tantrum

It seems to me that once again I may actually be fighting against myself. In fact my entire life seems to be a fight against myself. You see the problem is that I come up with these fantastic ideas that make perfect sense at the time, perfectly rationalized and logically thought through, and then I spend the rest of my life hating them. The problem is that while I may be a pretty rational person, there is a part of me that just wants to throw her toys out of the cot.

So what bright idea did I come up with this time?

Well, for the last year and a half I have had a rather strange relationship with a guy. It’s one of those weird ‘on again, off again’ type of scenarios and after over a year of fighting and loving, hating and playing I still have no idea whether he makes me more miserable when I’m with him or when I’m away from him. Basically it was a very complicated relationship.

Anyway, after being in Kenya for just short of a month with two of my favorite people on the planet, I came back feeling as if I was back to normal, as if I had rewound the clock two years and was suddenly back to being the carefree, happy Kat that I was before my dad died. Sure, there were still things in my life that I needed to worry about but it seemed to me as if I was once again strong enough to face nearly anything.

So when I realized that I could survive by myself I did one of the bravest (and most stupid) things I could think of. Truth be told I thought I was doing us both a favor, because as far as I could tell, we were making each other miserable. And so, with many a tear involved we decided not to talk, not to text, not to see each other. The plan was to cut him out of my life and with that all the pain that he had brought with him. And he was to do the same with me.

Sounds pretty easy right? How difficult could it be to cut someone out who I spent that much time fighting with? I would just text my girls about my day instead of texting him, I would spend my evenings with friends who I hadn't seen in ages instead of fighting with him, and the best part was that I could deal with all my stuff in whichever way pleased me.

No, if I am honest, I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I definitely thought that it would be easier than it has been. In fact it has gotten to the point where I am pretty sure that Michelle is going to hit me over the head if I mention his name one more time. So what the hell am I supposed to say to him? After all this was my lovely idea. And what if he has already cut me out of his life? What if he doesn't want me in his life anymore?

And then I have to stop my brain mid thought. My irrational, illogical brain is about to eat an entire slab of chocolate and my logical brain is going to feel guilty about it for the next week! Because what has changed since then? Are we suddenly going to get along? Are we suddenly going to make things work? And so with the two halves of my brain fighting one another furiously, I am going to ignore them both and throw my toys out of the cot!