Salcoholism

I believe that in every group of friends there is that one guy who looks like Jesus. Now obviously no one really knows what Jesus looks like, but you know that stereotype Jesus that you’ve seen in paintings and your childhood bible that some uncle gave you, that kind of Jesus; the one with the long straggly, dark hair and the beard. Think about it, it’s probably that guy with the receding hairline and the really dark beard.

And just as every group has a Jesus, each group has a Sheldon Cooper. Each group has that one super intelligent, slightly nerdy, skinny white guy who has an opinion about everything and is usually quite mean to people with a ‘lesser’ intelligence. Well, in my friendship group it just so happens that these two characters live together. Yes, Jesus and Sheldon share a flat (with some fish and a very blond goldfish).

This would never have come to my attention had it not been for a certain conversation that I happened to be a part of the other night. Now before I get started on what this conversation entailed, I should just mention that there was wine involved and this guy actually happens to be pretty cool.

Now to the fun part…

It all started when this friend of mine, let’s name him Sheldon, came over for a visit and we were sitting on my balcony busy chatting as we spied on the little minions walking down below us. Sheldon has recently started taking a German and was busy telling me about an assignment their busy doing in which he has to create a business card (in German). He was busy trying to come up with a job description to put on the card when suddenly he decided that his job description should be Jesus.

Well, I very nearly fell off my chair, and if it hadn’t been for the fact that I spend way too much of my time embarrassing myself in front of this guy I may even have wet myself. Sheldon does NOT look like Jesus. AT ALL!!! Anyway, after about half an hour of giggling and teasing and trying desperately not to fall off my chair I suddenly realized that he had suggested creating his own religion.

And what do you think said religion would be called? Well it would be called ‘Salcoholism’ of course: Alcoholism for Sluts. It would be aimed at stupid drunk sluts, which apparently are in abundance in Stellenbosch. The religion would be celebrated by watching pornography in a rented out garage or in some followers house and the stars of the show would all be fellow worshipers. You see, in order to fund said religion each follower would have to submit a porno in order to be admitted. This porno would be sold by Sheldon and the proceeds would go into funding his porn industry/religion. Also, at one point I distinctly remember the motto being “Join the Orgy; Because We Love Ourselves.”

The conversation continued and eventually entailed disciples and recruitment methods, as well as various religious holidays. But that’s not what is important. What is important is that there is finally a religion out there for all the sinners and instead of calling it evil we can now call it Salcoholism. And that sounds much better.