Because Sometimes Writing It Out is the Only Way to Figure Out What You Want

There are some things in life which just do not make sense to me. Yes there is physics which will just never make sense to me and I’ve come to accept the fact that I will never be able to predict the momentum of a particle in some hypothetical, non-existent plane but there are other things that I am just not quite willing to accept as easily. Is it really possible to love something or someone to death? Why is it, that often the people we miss most are the ones who are bad for us? Why do we fight with the people we care about most? And lastly, and most importantly perhaps, why do the people we love have traits that annoy the living hell out of us?

It has been one of those mornings where I listen to Mayday Parade songs, and think about the meaning of life when in fact I should be studying. I have done all my admin, and my flat is clean and I have officially run out of productive techniques of procrastination and have now moved on to the more wishy washy form of wasting my time by thinking about my life.

This can actually be quite dangerous, and usually it is, because more often than not it results in me thinking about how ‘depressing’ my life is (it really isn’t all that depressing but it’s easy to lie to your own brain) and that just results in a chocolate craving that makes me hate myself even more than the usual healthy dose of self-loathing.

Anyway, this morning there is actually only one thing bothering me about my life. I’m not worried about my friends because I have some amazing people in my life, I’m not missing home because I spent all weekend with my crazy family and I’m not worried about my studies because I have done more work in the last three weeks than I’ve done in the last three years combined. Actually, things are looking pretty good in the world of Kat, but there is one tiny little thing that’s gnawing at my very soul.

And actually it isn’t tiny at all.

Well to all of you it probably is, but to me it’s a huge colossal issue. You see the problem is that I am fighting with my sister. To most people this is the norm:

“Siblings fight.”

“Don’t worry, it’ll blow over.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“She’ll always love you.”

Yeah, I guess all these things may be true. Well I have to believe that they are because otherwise that leaves me in quite a shitty position. The thing is that I love my sister. I love spending time with her, we laugh a lot, we have a lot of fun and we think in the same way. It can be just the two of us or it can be a whole group of people. My favourite person in the room will always be her.

Which is all cute and cuddly, right? Wrong. I hate that she goes back on her word, cancels plans without telling me, cares about her own week more than she cares about mine, asks me questions and doesn’t bother to listen to the answers and is just generally selfish. I hate that she can fight with me when I’ve spent the whole week helping her. I hate that she can ask me for help with something and then walk out of the room half way through, leaving me to do whatever it is. But mostly I hate that eventually I will apologise to her for shouting because it’ll get to the point where I miss her so much that I’ll swallow my pride and ask for her back. And she will still always be my favourite person in the world.

Yeah, I probably shouldn’t shout. I shouldn’t get angry about her traits because that’s just part of who she is. So yeah, it probably is my fault that we’re fighting and yeah I probably should be the one to apologize but the problem with apologies is that they’re supposed to tell the person you’re apologizing to that you will never do XYZ again. And I know that I will. I know that even if I apologize today that in a week, or a month or at some future point in time I will get upset with her again and we will have another huge fight and we will be back at this exact point.

So I face a bit of a dilemma, because I really miss her right now. I hate walking passed one another in the flat as if the other isn’t there. I hate that our conversations have come to short texts about general admin instead of chatting and laughing as if we’re the only people in the world. And sometimes all you need is a little giggle with a person you love to make your day. But should I apologize?

Should I really have to apologize for the fact that she couldn’t print her own report when I was too busy to do it for her? Should I really have to apologize to someone who just left the room when it seemed the printer wasn’t working? Should I apologize to someone who was just not going to pitch up to an event we were both supposed to host? Do I apologize to her even though she went back on her offer to let me use her stuff for the event?

Yeah, I guess I do. I have to be the one to apologize because the truth is that on an ordinary day none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t have been running late, I wouldn’t have been exhausted, I would offered to help her print it and I would have been okay with my broken printer and just had it fixed without any complaining. I would have realized that this was another step in her bad week and that she just needed a break and I would have put her emotions first.

So yes, I need to apologize. But today is not the day for it. Today I don’t have the energy to think about what she wants or needs. Today all the energy I have will be spent on what I want and need.