The air a bit colder and the street slightly darker, the moon barely fuller and the drink, oh the drink; it was these nights that lead to this moment. It was nights such as these that lead to your creation. Yes, you are merely a creation, but my creation nonetheless.
Dear Rebecca
I haven’t heard from you in a while and when it came to my attention I thought I should write to see how you are. Things are going okay here. Mum and Dad are busy getting divorced and tonight’s fighting was worse than ever…
Do you remember now? I wrote to you, spoke to you and trusted you; my creation, my friend, my diary. It wasn’t meant to last forever; it was just supposed to help me cope.
Yet now you are taking over my soul. You pull at my fears, unhinge me and throw them in my face making my greatest fears haunt my every waking moment. Until I finally find sleep… then you show me an entirely new kind of hell.
Dear Rebecca
My father passed away this morning. I had to fly back on the first flight I could find. I saw him lying in the hospital. So many tubes, beeps and voices that belonged to nurses I couldn’t comprehend. Goodbyes are inevitable, death is the only certainty and life is the longest and shortest thing we will never understand…
Some coping method hey? A once off, nobody loses, get out of jail free card. It seems life doesn’t work that way. You are my parasite, eating away at my grief yet slowly embedding yourself into my soul and causing a far greater pain. A depth unknown to me, or any other; a pain so deep you feel nothing.
No, I cannot love. No, I cannot feel. No, I cannot bring down these walls.
Dear Rebecca
It’s time to say goodbye. I wrote to you once before on the loss felt when saying goodbye and yet it is with complete certainty that I can say no loss shall be felt over the loss of you. You may know my darkest secrets and hold parts of myself which will never again be shared but you also hold the ability to break me. It is time we said our goodbyes…
…
The Truth; the Heart
There are moments of truth
Moments of lies
The only thing left
Hellos or goodbyes
There are moments of love
Moments of hate
Both anchored in passion
Altering fate
There are moments of sadness
Felt only in a heart
That’s been bent until broken
Expressed only in art
There are moments like these
When the meaning of life
Is questioned forever
At the blade of a knife
…
It’s been a year today since my father passed away. I realise this blog is pretty dark and mostly confusing but I needed to express in words what was going on in my mind.
Missing you, Dad. xx
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