The Question Must Be 'Ham and Cheese?'

Once again I find myself in the aftermath of a break-up and I use the word ‘break-up’ quite loosely here as I wasn’t in an actual “relationship” to begin with. It’s quite a complicated story but to put it simply, I recently found out that the guy I have spent the last year chatting to and the last five years crushing on is actually a bit of a douche bag. 

Not to worry however as I was given some top advice by a friend of mine; the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Well, I didn’t go out and slut around (although it did seem like a good idea at my very lowest point) but I did give this rather crudely put advice some thought. It is certainly true that crushing over someone else preoccupies your mind while you manage to get over a heart break that you originally thought might kill you. 

So who was to be my rebound? Which sucker was I going to pick on? 

When I first considered this question I thought it was going to be rather fun; I had images of me sipping cocktails with my girlfriends while stalking through multiple Facebook profiles and profile pictures judging all the candidates as if I was Miss South Africa and could have any guy in the world. The reality was a lot less appealing… 

In reality I didn’t really want to be with anyone, I was upset, moody and didn’t want to be in public and especially not around girlfriends who I had told about this ‘amazing’ guy. I went through a couple weeks of hating myself, followed by a week of hating ALL men and finally arrived where I am now and I am delighted to tell you that I have the answer.

If ‘Pineapple’ is not the answer then the question is ‘Ham and Cheese.’

In hindsight it seems pretty obvious but at the time this answer just would not come to me, I therefore might have to explain it to the rest of you. A couple nights ago I went to a friend of mine’s 21^st birthday party. It was an awesome function with a group of her closest friends all dressed in various shades of purple and good food and free alcohol. Essentially it was the recipe for a great evening and after being cooped up in my own little cocoon of self-pity for just over a month I was now ready to re-join the world and have a good evening.

And wow, it was a goodie! 

Finally I was laughing and joking with old friends and making new friends. There was some drinking but loads of talking, squeeling, laughing and throwing of popcorn. It was at this point when things turned sexual as they inevitably do when you put a whole whack of horny, tipsy university students together in one room and remind them that this is there very last chance for a jol before exams. Conversations suddenly had two meanings and were filled with sexual innuendos and if you didn’t think your sentences through then you eventually found your mind back in the bottom of some dingy gutter desperately trying not to blush.

It is in these situations where I generally use the word ‘Pineapple’ as my get out of jail free card. Say it with a slight blush and a nervous giggle and nearly every male will forgive you regardless of what you may have said before that. It is my bulletproof way of getting out of nearly all awkward situations and depending on the situation I follow it up with a particular laugh and it works nearly every time. 

Of course I say nearly because on this particular occasion it didn’t work at all. In fact, if one were to consider the true meaning of Pineapple (according to Kat’s Dictionary) then you’d realize that using it as your answer was in fact rather disastrous. 

Somehow throughout the evening’s conversation cheese had been turned into dried up semen. And ham, being deemed unclean by the Jews, was therefore converted into a foreskin (try not to ask too many questions, your brain will melt). It was at this point that a friend joined in and said; “Kat, would you like a ham and cheese sandwich?”

Well, me being me and being physically incapable of thinking my actions through burst out laughing at the prospect of a semen and foreskin sandwich. And anyone who knows me will be able to tell you that my laugh can be heard from space. 

Now, I don’t care who you are or how good you are at getting yourself out of awkward situations, but trying to explain this to a rather tipsy friend when the birthday girl’s parents are within earshot is no easy feat. It was then that I realized that not even a pineapple would get me out of the situation regardless of what laugh I followed it up with. Never have I been more excited about the prospect of the world opening up and swallowing me whole and it took every ounce of my rather limited self-control not to turn around and run away. 

Anyways the point of the story is that I very quickly worked out that I seriously love my friends and Mr Super-insecure-ex-crush can take his ultimatum and PINEAPPLE!